Insomnia-induced writing is becoming a habit of mine. Not that I actually write on any other occasions, or that anyone reads what I write for that matter, but somehow my spiderweb of muddled thoughts become a lot more substantial when it turns into a few kilobytes of information in the cyberspace. Still, even under the internet's safety blanket, I hold back. There are some words every square inch of my body would like to scream, but my mind, the stupid little hamster on the wheel that thinks right at the wrong time, refuses to translate them into keystrokes. Instead, a small anecdote seems like a fitting precursor to my next (and very-possibly failing) attempt of what can only be referred to as an early morning confession.
Few days ago some words were said to me that I thought I would never hear, at least not then, not there. Needless to say, the words stuck. And what is it with words anyway? Strung together a certain way and people respond with the grimiest curse they could think of. Strung together a different way and a nation is bestowed with wisdom and hope. Now the words that were said that particular day, though many, seemed to have mastered the perfect combination that guarantees permanence. And in a world, my world, where short-lived phenomenons are the norm, permanence is a dangerous concept that I cringe at. It suggests fixity, an idea that is not easy to digest, or accept. Not at all.
Ironically still, my heart leaped at the suggestion. I secretly embraced it because it is all that I had wanted. It was what I lack. And crave.
The thought of those very words... (sentences... it hardly matters now) warranted a smile on my face, or in my mind, whichever imparted more gratitude. After all, I admired the courage behind the words as I would never have been able to speak of them. Even amidst the knowledge of being unreachable beyond the computer screen, I barely have the courage to say the following now: I have fallen much deeper than I had ever allowed myself. But I know, that with no end in sight, I am willing to venture deeper into the new and unfamiliar, so long as I can look back and you are there with me.